♥ AishahhhS ♥

.Saturday, June 27, 2009 ' 2:51 PM Y

Dear Diary,

the news abt MJ's death reali shocked me.
heh.the first thought i had when i knew abt it was that
the world has lost another of it's really really damn good singers.
heh.and i totally forgot abt all his scandals and whatever there is.
and then,it occurred to me that everyone of us have our ups and downs in life.
he had his ups during careers but downs nearing his deaths.
when i think abt this,now i understand the meaning of cycle of life.
and the new replaces the old.

but i know,deep down,all MJ's fans,including me,knows he can never be replaced.
his natural antics on stage etc.no one does it better than him.even those impersonators.
rest in peace :)

oh.now this reminded me of a confession someone made to me
heh.he hesitantly admitted that i've matured.hahahs..so doinks!

That’s the different between us. When life drags you down with problems, you would always find a way to struggle free from it. If there’s a crisis, you don’t freeze. You move forward and hopefully making you a better person. This is especially so in your love life. When the time ended, you move on. True, there are days when you want to stop time and rewind it or just end you life. There are days where you’d be reminded of those tender moments you had with him just because you saw, heard or even remembered something. That happens a lot but you take active steps in moving on and try to bury yourself in other important life priorities. Bottom line is that you move on.

i've been thinking,even before this confession came,why is it easier for me to move on than other people.i figured that maybe i focused more on living life happily rather than hold on to my past but i know,as a matter of fact,i haven't moved on deep down.i had to put on a strong front.i had to have the mindset that i already have moved on from my past.but if i had really moved on,why would i still be crying when i missed someone?why would i even reminisce those times i had with them when it happened so long ago?why would i even care abt them?why would i even still check up on them?sometimes,i hate facebook and even blogger.but these are the only ways that i have to keep track of them.so have i moved on?frankly,i dunno.its easier to deceive people on the outside since i can be so cheerful and playful at time,practically most of the times but inside, i know very well im suffering.

i yearned to have that love.the eternal love that everyone dreams of. i yearned to trust a guy whom i know can jolly well take care of me and my needs. i yearned for a guy who will tolerate all my nonsensical antics. i yearned for a guy who does not take advantage of my naivity.
i yearned for a guy to understand what i really want in life.
i don't need him to be there,constantly protecting me.well,i need to be independent sometimes right?
i don't need him to control whatever i do cos im already old enough to know what's good and bad but tell me,in this world and age,where can i find a man like that? cos even the most perfect man may not be who i want to spend my life with. frankly,after all that has happened,i dun trust guys anymore. cos i dunno how. how to differentiate sweet-talks and words that truely came from the heart. how to trust them after all that has happened. those promises = lies even if i could sense all those sincerity,how could i possibly just move on with them even though i still feel insecure? things of that past do haunt me.a lot of times.but i can do nothing but just cry quietly. i cannot turn to anyone cos im the only one who knows what really happened. i cannot even tell mom and the family,my closest confidante. all in all,i think i can never,ever fall in love again.

to sabrina and hidayah, who never fails to brighten up my last months in MI for never asking me to stop singing even though you guys couldn concentrate for appreciating who i really am,my child-like behaviour and nonsensical acts. heh.no words can express how happy i am being with you guys.

Labels: michael jackson